To Live
by Super Sheba
Summary: The simple action of living is what ties them together. Living is what threatens to tear them apart. Living is what brings them pain, brings them joy. Because sometimes, living is the most difficult thing to do. A series KxT centric drabbles.
1. To Mourn

_**I. To Mourn**_

Five years after her death, he is still unable to move on. The image of her soft smile is still burned into his mind. He knows that she has forgiven him, but he cannot forgive himself.

Perhaps, however, it is not so much of a matter of "can," but a matter of "won't."

He believes deep within his heart that forgiving himself and accepting her undeserved gift of grace would be desecrating her memory.

How dare he live freely and comfortably after all he has done? How dare he allow himself to forget the pain she suffered?

At night, however, when he falls asleep, it is the memory of her loving touch that lulls him to sleep. As he tosses and turns, she whispers gentle words that sing to him in his dreams.

She will not lie. She is sad that she is no longer among the living.

He thinks that she mourns because he has wounded her to the point of death and stolen from her the life she could have happily lived with the man she had loved so much.

Truly, however, she mourns because she can no longer hold his shaking form at night as blood haunts his nightmares. She weeps because he is suffering in every breath he breathes, every step he takes.

She weeps because she loves him and wishes she could help him find the peace that he deserves.

_**Author's Note: Happy Birthday, misaoshiru. This is really, really late and I wrote all of this during my French classes today. Hopefully I can continue to add to this little collection. Thank you for so many years of inspiration and aid in the development of my writing. You'll be officially be old next year, so cherish this year before you turn into a hermit with lots and lots of cats who chases the kids off of your lawn while waving a cane. Love you forever, SS.**_


	2. To Imagine

_**II. To Imagine**_

On the days when he does not receive a black envelope, he allows his mind to imagine a peaceful future with her.

He can see a lovely little house just big enough for a family. He knows that she wishes to have children. There is yearning in her eyes as she plays with the little ones of the village. She knows, however, that now is not the time. These cruel and fearful days are no place for children.

At night, she can never be sure he will return to her alive. She stows her hopes for a family in the back of her mind and is content to see his tired face every morning when she awakens.

But no matter how she masks her longing, he can sense it.

So he continues in his madness of cutting down those who oppose the revolution, telling himself that if he fights, he will one day have a future with the woman he so deeply loves.

She lives a life that can be terribly lonely and painful, telling herself that one day she will help him to find peace.

Because they both want so much more than either can give the other.


	3. To Metamorphose

_**III. To Metamorphose**_

At first she is furious with him and disdains his every characteristic. He has murdered her beloved in cold blood, simply for searching for a different future than the Isshin Shinshi.

He is the devil incarnate. She has heard the horror stories-- men silenced before a scream of terror can emerge from their vocal chords. Women sobbing as they are informed that their husbands, their sons, their fathers, _their fiancés_, have had their lives snatched from them before their time. And she understands, because she too has suffered.

She cannot stand him. Her diary is her only refuge as she forces herself to grow closer to him. She is disgusted by his actions and by her own, associating with such a vile human being.

She plans to lure him into a false sense of security and exact her revenge upon him. She has plotted against him.

But something is wrong; there is a fault in her plan.

While telling herself that she hates him with every fiber of her being, she has grown attached to him. Behind the amber eyes that characterize him as a hitokiri lie the innocent eyes of a child who has grown up far too fast.

She admires a passionate young man who will give everything for what is right.

She knows that he has sacrificed far more than anyone would ever believe.

She can feel the despair coursing through his veins as he scrubs his skin raw in attempts to make the crimson stains disappear.

She has come to thrive under the gentle touches of his calloused hands, his scent of ginger and sandalwood.

To her he has metamorphosed. What was once a hideous and wicked demon is now a simple, innocent human being.

And she realizes, fearfully, that the one who has truly fallen into a trap is she, herself.


	4. To Wake

_**IV. To Wake**_

Her favorite moments are when she wakes in the morning within his embrace and he is sleeping lightly. The man who tenses at the slightest inkling of movement remains undisturbed when she shifts her body each morning to face him.

When asleep, it seems impossible that this young man could be hitokiri battousai.

And at times, when she gently runs her delicate fingers through his long auburn hair and he unconsciously presses his head into her touch, she wonders if perhaps he is not hitokiri battousai at all.


End file.
